mosker

Happy, happy, happy!

1. It's Friday
2. The semester is over
3. The wonderful crew who mow my lawn came to do their magic this afternoon.

The ranking of these items may shift depending on when you catch me, but all of them make me very happy.

Although he's been working on my yard for over a year now, I've never met Ron before this evening, and he did not disappoint. They are hardworking, reliable, and very honest about what they can and cannot accomplish. And fast! They got the whole job done in less than a half hour, and I think that includes the time he spent talking to me.

I love those moments when you're able to pause and appreciate those people and things that make life a little better.

One more

I have one more exam this semester and I am so looking forward to having it done. I don't know if I was always this stressed about tests--I don't remember it being this bad, but that might be a bit of revisionism on my part. Either way, I already feel sick to my stomach and am convinced that I didn't prepare nearly as much as I should have. Not that it's possible to anticipate every testing strategy, of course. I am going to toss and turn tonight, worrying about everything from the exam to the sump pump (that thing makes me crazy) to getting the house clean before the Tarts come over on Sunday.

At least, and I'm really grasping at straws here, the test is at 10:30 instead of the normal 2:30 meeting time. That makes it much less likely that my head will explode from the pressure.

When it rains, it pours

I am so frustrated. It is well beyond crunch time trying to get my last assignments finished and turned-in before finals and I have been beset by computer problems. I'm sorry to break this to you, but even people who work with technology for a living have computer problems. We don't like it any better than you do. I don't have time to deal with the broken computer case right now, and I found a temporary work-around for the annoying error message that persistently pops up when I try to use wireless. Now, however, the keyboard is freaking out and I cannot type the letter "u" without purposefully and carefully pressing the key. I don't type with the speed and efficiency of my sister, but this is frustrating enough to have me in tears soon. It only takes a few minutes of typing to realize how many words contain the letter "u".

I have postponed calling Dell for warranty service because I wanted to finish the semester. What is wrong with technology working when we need it anyway?

The next time I lose my mind...

Somebody please sedate me or knock me over the head or something if I ever start talking about taking another degree. Seriously, what could I have been thinking? I am miserable.

Done list

I'm back at work this week, and not surprisingly, I didn't get everything on my to-do list accomplished. That's not particularly shocking considering my ambition exceeded my energy and time. I've decided to take some advice I read recently and think in terms of a "done" list instead of the "to-do" list. After all, who will ever finish all of their to-do's anyway?

• Wrote five papers for school (they were all short assignments, but they still had to be done, and they all start with that clean, white page.)
• Cleaned the kitchen cabinets of expired and soon-to-be expired food
• Re-arranged the contents of the cabinets to get lots of stuff off the counters
• Made homemade ravioli
• Made a rain-barrel (I haven't actually attached it to the down spouts yet, but I'll get there)
• Changed insurance companies for both home and auto insurance (I've been concerned about the level of coverage for my home policy for a couple of years now, so I feel relieved to have this taken care of. My premium is lower and my coverage is better.)
• Did the laundry. Even those throw rugs in the hamper.
• Filed my taxes.
• Replaced the oven hood.
• Learned how to create rotating images for the blog. There's always more to learn--that seemed like a fun place to start.

Yes, yes, there's still lots more to do, but I'm determined not to stress about it, at least for a few days.

Except maybe for that test this week.

Yet another reason why I won't be attending law school

I made a deal with myself. You will make lots of deals with yourself if you choose to continue working full-time while attending grad school. All I had to do today was write six briefs. Six. Piece of cake. Yeah, whatever. I'm still working on my just six briefs. And I'm not happy about it. It might have something to do with my having reached the point of not caring long before the semester is over.

Must.Try.To.Finish.

And I got that question again this week, this time from my new insurance agent. You know, that question I just love, love, love: "What are you going to do with that degree anyway?"

Wound a little too tight

I had a couple of exams this week. Exams always stress me out, no matter how much I prepare ahead of time. The first test was the worst because I wasn't really sure what I should study. I knew the cases, but there was too material to re-read everything, and how would I possibly retain all of the possible details he might ask? I was pretty relieved when I saw the actual exam: 30 multiple choice and choose two out of three essay questions. I had to return to two of the multiple choice, but I was certain that I had missed one, maybe even two. The essays were a snap; I didn't know how much detail he wanted, but I knew I had the right decisions and that I supported those decisions with the correct cases. I felt good.

Turns out I breathed that sigh of relief just a bit too early: I missed not one or two, but five of the m/c questions. Yeah, yeah, this is not really a big deal, but I wasn't feeling that way a couple of days ago. It's not that I'm a perfectionist, but to find out that I did so much worse than I thought just sucks.

And I thought I was crabby about school before.

Looking for the positive

I'm tired and cranky. I have six briefs to write for last week, two exams this week, and my computer is suffering a minor meltdown. It keeps complaining that a device attached to the USB port is not functioning properly. Except there is no device attached to either USB port. I just don't want to deal with it. If I turn the sound off and the box doesn't cover my document, I'll be able to ignore it a while longer. Like maybe nine weeks longer. There are still four weeks until spring break and then another four weeks after. Five weeks after if you count finals week, but I'm going to ignore that particular reality for now, too.

And on the bright side? Well, it was warm enough this afternoon to shed my jacket for the walk to the car and I drove home with the window down.

Trying to take my own advice

Several years ago a new staff member told me that one of the reasons she took a job at the university was so she could work on her degree. After the initial back-and-forth of Oh, that's great! and What do you plan on studying? I warned her that she will sometimes grow frustrated and even be tempted to quit, but when she felt like that, she should find one of the many coworkers who had been through the same thing and talk through it before throwing in the towel. She listened politely, but her facial expressions made it clear that she thought I was full of hot air. Maybe that's how I felt, her attitude suggested, but she was different and that would never happened to her. Months later this coworker came to me, quite chagrined, and admitted that she was tired and frustrated and wanted nothing more than to quit school and go back to her normal life. We talked about it and I convinced her not to make such a major decision during the stress of the semester. Finish the term, I said, and see how you feel after you've had a break. I'm not taking credit for the fact that she finished, of course, but I was glad I could be there for her.

I'm trying to remember that advice right now, because I've hit that breaking point even earlier in the semester than usual. I want to be able to zone out in front of the television without feeling guilty about all the homework I'm avoiding. I want to plan what I'm going to do in the yard this year. I want to take vacation days for something fun instead of writing whatever paper is due. I want to spend time with my friends without the homework clock ticking away in my head. I want to stop and look at the clouds and think about the best way to take pictures of the random bits I encounter over the course of the day. And let's be serious here--I don't have any illusions that my scholarship will make some major contribution to my academic field, or that I'll score the job of a lifetime by finishing a graduate degree. If I'm really fortunate, I'll be able to hack out huge chunks of my thesis and rework it for publication in some academic journal.

This is my last semester of coursework. After this session the only obstacle that remains is writing my thesis, meaning I am both so close and so far. Yes, many other people have accomplished for more than a master's thesis with far less whining, but this is such a solitary endeavor, and I'm tired. The world is not going to come to a crashing halt if I decide that I don't want to finish, but I would be disappointed in myself. No one wants to think of themselves as a quitter. I've lost sight of why I ever signed on for this and today the fear of being a quitter is the only thing that's keeping me going.

Spring Fever

The beautiful weather we've had for the past couple of days has brought on a serious case of spring fever. I'm not generally a spend-the-day-working-in-the-yard kind of person, but instead of papers and cases, I've had yard work on the brain. I spent as much time staring out of the window on Sunday as I did reading; my head was full of ideas about how I can turn my yard into one I'll be proud of. In my mind's eye I already have replaced my deck with a flagstone patio and created a garden with raised beds. The beds are going to be raised just in case I don't get any younger. Unfortunately I haven't decided on the rest of the yard (or the front yard, for that matter), but as the actual work takes much longer than the planning, I'm not in a rush.

I may not be able to get started on transforming my vision into reality just yet, but I did take a little step in the right direction today by signing up for next month's rain barrel class at Powell Gardens. My friend Linda and I have been talking about going for a few years now, and the timing has finally worked out for both our schedules. Powell Gardens has a lot of classes--if this one proves useful I'm going to pick a few more to fill in the numerous gaps in my gardening know-how.

There's no point in getting too excited about the unseasonably warm temperatures anyway. The long range forecast has the temps dropping at the weekend with the possibility of more snow early next week. Soon though.

Beautiful day

After the snow and cold we've been having recently it is an absolute joy to have a weekend of blue skies and relative warmth. It's 49 degrees outside right now! Even though I don't appreciate temps in the 40s in my house, I certainly appreciate it outside this time of year.

The only thing that could make this a better day would be if I had my homework done, but I suppose that's asking way too much. It's impossible to concentrate on such a beautiful day.

Just one test

One of the biggest differences between grad school and a four-year degree is the number of tests. As an undergrad you take four or five tests every semester, while in grad school you might not have any exams. At first blush this sounds great, but in reality it means each and every test becomes enormously important to your semester grade.

And taking fewer tests means each one looms large in the imagination. My test taking anxiety has increased exponentially since I started grad school. Tonight's exam was the only one I've taken all year. I had an upset stomach all day, and when we got the questions (answer two out of three) I couldn't make sense of them for what seemed like forever. One of my classmates left before I'd started on my second question, and I took so long that my professor stayed about ten minutes late to allow me to finish. (This professor is also my advisor, so his opinion really does count.) The final straw was as I slid my paper across the table. I was already chiding myself for my puny answer and lack of imagination, and my professor decided to be nice to me. Aack! Fortunately he just wanted to talk about my thesis.

I hope he's still willing to be my advisor after he scores my exam.

Okay, it's probably not as bad as all that, but I'm looking forward to finishing this semester. This is one of those days when I wonder why I got myself into this.

Best laid plans

Every weekend I have big plans for all I'm going to accomplish--everything from laundry to errands, including homework. Every Saturday, however, I feel like I'm in slow motion. I sleep later than I ambitiously plan (no 6 am biscuits in my house) and my brain just won't engage. I've no doubt that part of the cause is a lack of discipline on my part, but I also suspect it's that the brain can only do so much multi-tasking. It takes time to switch from one task to another, no matter how effectively someone multi-tasks. There has to be time to focus on one thing at a time, or on nothing in particular.

Fortunately today has been a bit more productive. I got up only a bit later than I would on a normal workday, started the laundry, and went to the grocery store. After lunch I'll start the dishwasher and try to make a dent on homework. I haven't paid bills yet, but I leave that for this evening when I can't read another article.

The weekend won't be as productive as I'd hoped, but at least I'm feeling less frazzled than a couple of days ago.

Spring Break

This week is spring break. Normally that doesn't make much difference to me, but this year I decided to take a week of vacation from work at the same time. I'm not "going on vacation", but I do have a list of home maintenance/improvement projects lined up, as well as the ineveitable homework.

On Saturday I went for a ride-along with the Kansas City Police Department. I'm still processing it, but it was interesting. I had planned to write it up on Sunday (an assignment for my policing seminar), but instead I ended up sleeping for much of the day. That doesn't really put me behind, but it does use up most of my "napping time".

I'm working on the write-up now, and as soon as it's done I'm going to break out the paint rollers and finally start on the living room walls. I'm excited to have picked out the paint colors and furniture that I like. There's nothing like getting rid of hand-me-down furniture to make you feel like an adult.

Tick, tick, tick, tick

I didn't sleep well this weekend. It's not that I couldn't get to sleep, but rather that I slept fitfully. I tossed and turned, looking at the clock, torn between thinking "only two hours left!" and "still two more hour?"

When I haven't dealt with something during the daytime it returns to haunt me at night. Sometimes I can wake up, identify what's bugging me, and then sleep soundly for the rest of the night. That, however, only works when it's something quickly dealt with, like putting out the trash, or returning library books.

Now, however, I seem to be inordinately worried about getting my homework done, because all of my dreams relate to running out of time. Friday night I dreamt that it was Monday morning and I hadn't done the readings for that evening's class. There are only five students in that particular class, so it's not like you can fake it, and in my dream I was trying to figure out how I was going to get done and still make it to work that day. I was agonizing over going to class unprepared or asking for a day off at the last minute. Fortunately I woke up before I had to decide.

Later in the weekend I dreamt that I had worked late, looked up at the clock, and realized that I was an hour and a half late for class. (I'm guessing there's some unhandled conflict between work and school here.) How, I thought in my dream, would I ever be able to slip into class unnoticed. I have actually worked past a class start time a couple of times, but they were large classes and I was only about ten minutes late.

Denial isn't working out so well, so this week I'm going to plow through the readings before the weekend begins.

That's the plan.

Don't be ridiculous!

One of the downsides of continuing a full-time career while attending grad school is the conflicting calendars. Spring Break is all well and good for full-time students, but when you still have to work your normal 45 or so hours, Spring Break just means you don't attend a couple of lectures.

This year I decided to take a week of vacation at Spring Break. My boss approved the request right away, then asked if I was going to take a "real" vacation, as in, time off from school as well as work. I laughed out loud. If only! But since I know I'll need some "extra" time to do homework, it's nice to know I've already planned for it.

24 days

The Winter semester starts in 24 days. 24. Days. I could bemoan the fact that that is only slightly more than three weeks, but today I am reveling in the news that I have more than three weeks off.

Naturally "off" is a relative term. I will continue to work 40-some-odd hours each week, clean the house, take out the trash, feed the cats, run errands, pay bills, and remind myself there are only 10 days left until Christmas.

But I don't have to read a book of someone else's choosing or write on a topic about which I have no interest. For the next 24 days I am free to think about anything I choose, or nothing at all.

Life is good.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

This part of the semester is excrutiating. I am so close to the break, but not quite there yet. All the class meetings are over and I only need to finish the final two papers. Oh, but I'd rather start my break now.

This is when life is calling and I doubt my decision to go back to school. What was I thinking? Why did I ever think I was up for this? 10 pages should be simple enough, but it is the longest 10 pages I've been asked to write. Well, since the last time I was asked to generate the last 10 pages.

So close and yet so far away.

late or early

I am so tired. Really, really tired. The logical thing to do in this situation, given that it is nearly 11:30, would be to crawl into bed and sleep soundly until I have only enough time to get ready for work. Except I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't yet started.

That leaves me with two choices: stay up late to work on it with bleary eyes and a headache, or convince myself that I can get up early and work on it in the morning. I know that I never get up early, let alone get up early to work on homework, but right now that seems like exactly the thing to do.

I know I'm going to regret this tomorrow, but I'm going to sleep...this time it will be different.

Slogging through quicksand

I feel like I'm slogging through quicksand.

Well, not really. I've never actually slogged through quicksand, so I don't know if it would feel anything like this, but it sure is a handy analogy. Handy analogies are about all I can come up with tonight.

It is oh-so-close to the end of the semester. Not close enough to see the proverbial light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel, but close enough that I SO want to be done already.

I took a few days vacation in the hopes it would give me time to clear my backlog of homework. It didn't work out so well. I was so glad to have a few days off that I just could not engage with the theories of dead guys that may or may not have any practical use today. I sat down in front the computer and stared at a blank page. And stared at a blank page. And stared at a blank page. That doesn't work out so well when the plan is to actually fill the page with coherent text.

I suppose the long weekend wasn't a complete bust though. I'm still not caught up with my homework, but the laundry is clean. (It's not all put away, but it is clean.) 

Clearly the lesson here is to set my aspirations low.

Denial

I am, I think, in a state of denial. Or at least, few of my well-laid plans have yet to come to fruition. Before the semester started, I really thought about how much time it really takes to be successful in school and still have something that resembles a life. Except I really didn't leave any room for the unexpected.

Like an asthma attack the first week that laid me low for a couple of weeks. And then Hurricane Katrina and my inability to step away from the 24/7 coverage. I've got plenty of clean laundry (all of it put away even), if you don't consider that once clean, some of it requires pressing. I finally abandoned the prospect of freshly prepared meals and purchased single-serving frozen meals. I should have mowed the lawn this weekend, but that isn't going to happen for several more days. I'm absolutely overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that go along with home ownership. And, of course, there's my ridiculous and ongoing battle to write coherent papers in the allotted time frame. I need to fill five blank pages with a discussion of a topic I barely understand.

I'm tired and frustrated and losing sight of why I'm doing this. There are, after all, lots of other things I could be doing with my time. At least I can look forward to a bright spot: the monthly Tarts dinner is tomorrow. Good friends and good food work wonders on getting things into perspective.

I hate that question

I'm in grad school. It takes a lot of my time, but I figure it'll be worth it when I'm done. I have some ideas about how I can use my degree when I finish, but I have never led the kind of life that has fit with rigid, specific plans. I was not one of those kids who, at the ripe age of 8, could tell you what they would study, the exact job they would have, at what age they would marry and have children...the house, the yacht, the vacation. Whatever. That's not me.

So I hate that question "What are you going to do with that degree?" As though it is frivolous of me to be pursuing that degree without already having a job and career path all lined up? Yeah, yeah, I know people are curious, but enough already. You don't get to ask the same question nine times over just because you can't relate to the first eight answers. I don't disparage your life choices. How 'bout a little respect?

Gender gap in higher ed

There's an article at InsideHigherEd.com about the growing gender gap in higher education. According to projections from the Education Department, 58% of students will be women by 2014. "The report also predicts that women will see their rate of increase in earning degrees outpace that of men for every type of degree."

The implication here, or perhaps it is simply my inference, is that the stated gender gap is necessarily a bad thing. Where is the research to explain why the gap exists? My own, admittedly anecdotal, experience suggests that women pursue higher education in an attempt to level the playing field.

What impact will this growing trend have on the value society places on education? Will the higher proportion of women in higher ed reduce the perceived value of advanced education?

Week 1

The rumor that one of my professor left the university turned out to be true. It is something of a double-edged sword. The reputation had me terrified about the work I expected to be assigned, but I also knew that I would learn so much. Fortunately, the department found someone to teach the class rather than cancelling it until next year. I had the books the original professor specified, but as the new instructor picked different textbooks, I placed a rush order from Barnes and Noble when I got home.

Neither of my classes this semester will have exams (hurray!) but there will be lots of reading (8 books) and papers every week. And presentations...aack! I'll also be spending the semester making observations in a "socially-rich" environment and learning how to write ethnographic fieldnotes. I have no idea what that means yet, but I have selected my target environment and gotten permission from the appropriate persons.

The really exciting news this week is on the thesis front. One of the faculty members agreed to chair my committee and he has data with which I can do some great research. I know that it's going to be so much work, but it's exciting to see why I'm doing all this foundation-building.

Rumors

I heard a rumor today that the professor for one of my classes this semester has accepted a position elsewhere. While it is in no way confirmation of the story, it is interesting to note that 3 of the 4 books for the course have dropped off the list of required texts.

No one seems to know who is going to be teaching the section, so we're all waiting to see what happens. I wonder if I should check the schedule for alternatives, in case no one has time to cover.

Schedules

I have always been a "non-traditional" student...I didn't go to college full-time right out of high school. I'm not complaining, because an education is always worth it, no matter how you go about it. But I can't really relate to the typical college experience: dorms, pizza, and late-night parties. Sometimes I hear student assistants complain about being tired, then go on to relate how they stayed up until 4 in the morning playing the latest, greatest board game. Or they can't go to work because they haven't finished the assigned readings for the exam in two hours.

I might pat myself on the back for my excellent time-management skills, but do I really make the best use of my time? Taking a few vacation days during the semester to work on research papers isn't a problem, but I always feel like I'm struggling to keep up with the life's errands. (It's pretty sad when a trip to the grocery store feels like a treat.) And I won't even start on last semester's lack of regular exercise.

In addition to the normal getting-ready-for-school activities like buying school supplies and cleaning my desk, this summer I'm going work on a schedule that builds in time for exercise, errands, and household chores.

I can't be the only one who struggles with too many obligations and too little time. Is there some secret I'm missing?

Drowning my sorrows in a pint of Irish

The semester is over and grades have been posted. I was loathe to check my grades, for I knew I would not be pleased with the result.

One class I quite liked. This was my third class with this professor (and, unfortunately, my last) and while I admit the prof's multiple-choice exams leave me thoroughly confused, I like the teaching style and the subject material.

The other class was more of a struggle. It absorbed much more of my time and I always felt as though I was several yards behind. Points trickled away for participation and weekly assignments. The exam after spring break wasn't quite good enough. My theory paper missed the mark. Sadly, it was a semester of "not quite" which has left me feeling rather disheartened.

I received the grade I expected in the course I enjoyed (whew!), but the other was less than I'd hoped for. Surely that spectacular paper I wrote, along with the stunning presentation I gave should have pulled it out? Okay, stunning might be too strong, but I thought the paper was good. I imagine it wasn't quite was the professor was looking for though.

I'm not in danger of academic probation, but it was the lowest grade I've received in a long time. I decided the best recourse was to drown my sorrows in a pint of Irish. Of course, I'm feeling a bit sick from it today, but that Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide is pretty tasty.

How I know the semester is over

• The dishes are clean
• The clean laundry has been put away
• The bills are paid
• The junk mail has been sorted
• The water heater installation has been inspected
• The brush pile is getting hauled away this afternoon
• Amazon has shipped the books I plan to read this summer

Excruciating

This is excruciating.

It is an absolutely beautiful day out today. It's warm, but not hot. The neighbors are mowing and trimming and starting on the other outside chores that signal that winter is over.

My lawn is growing tall, I haven't picked up the limbs that came down in the last storm, the gutters need to be cleaned, and the driveway is covered with debris from the continuously shedding tree. I don't particularly enjoy yard work, but I do like spending time outside before it gets too hot, and I'd rather have a yard that looks good.

So what's my problem? I'm stuck inside writing a paper. I'm trying to focus on the bigger picture...when I finish this paper, I will have completed the bulk of the work for this semester. The other class won't be done until May 2nd, but it requires far less time. I'm working on a little mantra: "finish the paper, finish the paper".

Not very creative, but oh, I'll be so glad to finish.

Panglossian

New, from Dictionary.com's Word of the Day service:

Word of the Day for Friday April 8, 2005

   Panglossian \pan-GLOSS-ee-uhn\, adjective:
   Excessively or naively optimistic.

It just seems so appropriate.

It looked like it was a beautiful day today, but I did not go outside. One of my classes ends in 11 days--one 5 page paper and a 12 page book review are still outstanding. Since even working in the yard is more appealing than more homework, I didn't want to risk the distraction. Instead I spent the day reading about research on the deterrent value of arrest in domestic violence cases.

Although I am usually panicking around this time of the semester, this year I am attempting to remain panglossian.

This is so wrong

This will probably only work today, but I've made remarkable progress on my homework this evening. (I warned you that this is the All Homework, All Day channel from now until the end of the semester.)

I am the master at finding distractions as soon as I get home. I must check the mail. I must make dinner, or at least stare at the refrigerator's contents for several minutes. I must visit with the cats. I must "wind-down" (that one's good for a couple of hours).

My tactic today? I stayed at the office! As sick as that sounds, I have accomplished more in the past 90 minutes than I did all Sunday afternoon. Two days and seven essay questions to go.

Update: It took another two hours, but I made a lot of progress. Now I just need to figure out how to crack the books (keyboard?) like that at home.

Test, tests, tests

I never feel like I've spent enough time studying for exams. There's always some detail that I haven't assimilated and retained. I'm prepared to answer A, B, & C, but no way did I see X, Y, & Z coming. As an undergrad I could get by with less work because the tests aren't as hard. The percentages for  true/false and multiple choice questions are pretty good. Throw in a couple of short answer questions and you have a test. Grad school exams, however, are more challenging because they usually consist of essay questions.

Undergrad test question:
True or False: Spring Break is fun.

Grad school test question:
Of the 23 theories examined in this course, select the two theories that best explain why [some issue never before mentioned in this course]. Explain the premise of these theories, discuss the works of authors that discuss these theories and how they relate to [issue], and discuss implications for the future.

Oh, and you need to finish in 90 minutes or less. And I wonder why I suffer from more test anxiety the older I get?

No matter how much time I spend preparing for a test, I still feel anxious. The tension builds throughout the day. I don't have the patience for long stories and it is unwise to ask me any stupid questions in the last hour. (At that point, almost every question will sound like a stupid question.)

I've know that after the exam is distributed, I should assume that I won't understand what's written. It takes serveral minutes for the words on the page to transform into questions that I can understand, and several minutes longer for me to believe that I might have some coherent response related to those questions.

When the test is over, I am always relieved to have it over with and know there's nothing else I can do to influence my grade. I have done the best that I can do at that point in time. I could kick myself and argue that I should have spent more time studying and shouldn't have watched that episode of House, or taken that nap, or worked late.

I really like House though.

Test Anxiety

I have a test at 5:30 Thursday evening.

This test is worth all of 5% of my total grade, but as I don't know how I'll do for everything else for the semester, I must scrape for every point I can get. The next 18 hours will be a gigantic, ever-growing bout of Test Anxiety. Followed by exhausted, relieved, I don't care how I did, I'm just glad it's over.

I'm going to leave comments open, but please don't give me a "Relax, you're going to do fine." 'Cause when you're in the midst of Test Anxiety, that makes your head explode.

It's a little late to figure it out now

I got home from my mid-term tonight and checked my notes because something was really bugging me. I had some conflicting information in my notes (and my head) and I think screwed up both my exam and the problem set I just turned it.

I emailed my professor for clarification. I didn't do my grade any favor, but hopefully I'll remember which way the statistic works now. Only about 5 or 6 hours too late.

It feels kind of like remembering "Battle of Agincourt" as I walked down the sidewalk right after my history exam.

Oh, the pain.

Now they tell me

A recent study suggests that first-born children often get better education and are more successful in the job market than their younger siblings.

They found that younger siblings tend to get less schooling than their elders and then end up with lower pay on average and were more likely to be in part-time work, Salvanes said. The findings were likely to hold true in other countries, he said.

“In terms of educational attainment, if you are the fourth born instead of the first, you get almost one year less education, and that is quite a lot,” Salvanes told Reuters.

And first-born children tend to weigh more at birth than their younger brothers and sisters, which is a good predictor for educational success, Salvanes said.

I am totally fine admitting my sister is smarter than me, but I wish they'd told me this before I spent all that money on tuition.

Does this mean I can stop doing my homework now?

Link: MSNBC - Why big sisters really may be smarter.

I know this has to be a joke

I like to believe that professors are intelligent, thoughtful people. I know it's not universally true, of course, but I choose to maintain the illusion. These people went to school for a long time, took lots of tests, and wrote lots of papers. That and I pay large sums of money to sit in a room and listen to them talk.

This is why I know that Terry Caesar has to be pulling our legs with his recent contribution to Inside Higher Ed. Dr. Caesar is aghast at the prospect of college students using the bathroom. I would agree with him if we were objecting to a student relieving himself in the classroom, but Dr. Caesar objects to a student unobtrusively leaving a lecture to use restroom facilities provided for that purpose.

The good doctor has a number of objections to this behavior. Being omniscient, of course, he knows that the student who recently excused herself "did not have to go to the bathroom. She just wanted to stroll a bit before bending to the task at hand."

He also feels that bathroom visits represent a discipline problem for professors:

I have always thought of the bathroom as marking the moment of discipline in the college classroom. Any student mention of the bathroom, whether in good faith or not, becomes as impossible to deal with as it is inescapable. When students do anything in the classroom that merits the exercise of faculty discipline, professors are on their own.

When he was in school, no one would think of leaving a classroom. Students, he argues, should not need to relieve themselves during a lecture. Dr. Caesar also asserts that women are more likely to express the need to attend to bodily functions during a class meeting than are men, and "can usually draw on a degree of mystified male latitude for anything to do with menstruation."

I know this must be a joke. It is simply too sad to contemplate the author spending his days "bemoaning how university life used to be, before hordes of student barbarians broke through the gates, with their plastic [slurpees], their taco chips, their baggy clothes and their baggy values."

Caesar's small-minded, controlling, misogynistic attitude is so ridiculous it is laughable--but only so long as he does not teach at the university I attend.

Distraction

Even with all my whining about the homework I need to do this week, I happily latch onto any and every available distraction.

For example, I know someone who's reading the latest account of the Scott Peterson case (Blood Brother: 33 Reasons My Brother Scott Peterson is Guilty) and she has convinced me that I must read it too. If I order at least $25 from Amazon.com I get free shipping. I couldn't miss that opportunity, so I also selected a CD from my wish list.

I received notice today that my order has shipped. That means it'll be here any moment, right?

Spring Break

Spring Break. [deep sigh]

It's that week of reprieve in the middle of a long semester. It's the freedom for which every student longs, the opportunity to throw off the shackles of academia and bask in the warm sun on a sandy beach.

That's what they do on television.

I've chosen to hang onto that illusion for another day. I've got a hair appointment scheduled tomorrow and brunch with the Tarts on Saturday.

After brunch I'll face the reality that it's really a normal week of work, lots of homework, and the possibility of snow midweek. For now though...

IT'S SPRING BREAK!

Attendance policy

Every semester each professor (hopefully) distributes a syllabus that outlines the schedule of readings, assignments and exams, lists the required texts, and presents the professor's rules. This semester one of my professors explained that he has an attendance policy.

An attendance policy?!

Every student gets one 'unexcused absence' before the grade is penalized. In order for an absence to be considered excused, one must present written documentation: a prescription, a pill bottle, a note from the doctor, a police report, a tow bill.

I can't remember the last time I missed a lecture, but I was still shocked to see this policy. Who does he think he is, I asked. I am an adult. I am responsible for getting the most out of my education dollar. I know this is an opportunity that shouldn't be wasted. If I don't attend a lecture, I am only cheating myself. I get it.

I have a good job. I am a homeowner. Heck, I even manage to dress myself every day. I am a grownup. Even my boss doesn't make me prove that I'm sick. (Keeping it to myself is good enough for him.)

Then I got "flu-like" symptoms. I wasn't going to go to the doctor just to prove that I was sick, so I didn't have much choice--I went to class. The following week the students that sit on either side of me had the same symptoms I'd had. But hey, no unexcused absences for us.

And then it happened. I developed a sinus infection with an accompanying headache that turned me into a potential meanace on the roadway. I missed that evening's lecture, but I had the documentation to prove it was legitimate. Just to make things interesting though, I topped that sinus infection off with "a virus." This is ridiculous.

My dilemma yesterday: Do I go to class and share the contagion, or do I skip the lecture and chalk up my unexcused absence? Not only that, but I also hadn't finished the assignment that was due. I could feel my grade trickling away. I figure it's fruitless to talk to a professor with such a rigid attendance policy, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. I stopped by his office before class.

To say his response was unexpected would be an understatement. Not only wasn't it a problem that I missed last week, there won't be a penalty if I chose not to attend this week. I was obviously unwell, and there was no point in feeling worse just to attend lecture. But wait, there's more! He figured I might be late with my assignment, and I can turn it in late.

I was not about to look at gift horse in the mouth, so to speak, and I headed home.

I am happy to have been the recipient of someone's kindness and compassion, and I got to reevaluate, in a positive way, my perception of who the professor is.

Progress

I'm taking six hours for graduate credit this semester. One class requires lots of reading and preparation, while the other doesn't seem to require as much effort. The problem is, the class that I think doesn't require much effort is the one that everyone else seems to be freaking out about.

Today I started to wonder. If I think it's pretty straightforward, am I missing something really obvious? Will I discover at mid-term that I'm horribly lost, with no hope of recovery?

I've got to really knuckle-down and start to panic. There's no other way I'm going to pass.

And so it begins

The winter semester started today. Every other school in the nation calls this semester the Spring Semester, but here we call it the Winter Semester. I think spring sounds better. It gives you a goal to look forward to...warm weather, flowers blossoming, birds chirping. Instead we have images of ice, snow, biting wind. But I digress.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I work full-time, but I signed up for six hours for graduate credit. (Full time in grad school is only 9 hours, after all.) I figure I'll have to budget my time well, not slack when I'm supposed to be reading, and most of all, not let my head explode when I have a paper due. Maybe I need to rethink my workload...one of my classmates (who also works full-time) is signed up for 12 hours. And he did that last semster too. Holy Cow! I don't want to let this adventure in higher education drag out any longer than necessary, but man! I am so impressed.

Either he's got a lot of time on his hands at work, or I'm making this a lot harder than it has to be.